Hakka la bakka Jihad Acorns

You may already be familiar with the War On Terror but whilst western governments waste billions to prevent imaginery suicide bombers (that lurk in our basement) from blowing us all to hell there is a REAL threat to our existence right under our noses. Ever gotten the feeling you are being watched? Noticed some strange goings on in and around your home? Are your birdfeeders strangely empty even though you have no birds in your chemically enhanced wildlife friendly yard? Then you have a BIG problem. Infact the word BIG doesn't quantify this problem, How bout GARGANTUOUS. Yes my friends you have a Squirrel in your yard. Squirrels are basically evil, spawned from Satan's arse acorns, or at least that's what the media and the zombies who listen to them would have you believe.
"Squirrels are on the warpath, hell bent on a wanton path of destruction, to make backyard birders lives a misery their sole purpose" reports Bill O'Reilly of Fox News.
Despite our many achievements it seems that the majority of human beings have given up trying to defeat Squirrels and we have let these furry acorn jihadists run amock all over our land. We have put men on the moon, invented Television, concocted all manner of tasty beverages, wiped out vast tracts of wilderness, reduced cities to rubble and elected George W. Bush twice! Despite these memorable achievements we have let a 12oz rodent get the better of us. Squirrels are laughing at us right now, in their dark, damp caves...the pain of kidney dialysis forgotten. They mock us at every opportunity..from the tree tops, from their hang gliders and hot air balloons. We have lost the War on Squirrels.
Or it would seem so....

The truth of the matter is that Squirrels are not that clever and we are. Well at least some of us. The crux of the problem lies deep within our pysche. We enjoy being beaten by these harbingers of doom, we enjoy the misery of seeing a crap $10 feeder get chewed up by their nasty gnashing gnarlers. It doesn't matter that we have the ability to foil their dastardly deeds, we would rather suffer.
Well I don't like suffering,I much prefer to beat the rat bastards and show them I am much more intelligent than they are. I'm top of the food chain. Squirrels don't get their own way in my yard, they have failed miserably in their attempts to destroy my feeders and spoil my fun. They sit staring at me from the trees twitching their twitchy tails in fury. I could give you my secret to success but that would be too easy, not to mention pointless, as the ones who suffer would rather contiue to suffer than be victorious in the War on Squirrels. I have heard all manner of excuses from folk who despite the pain would rather be driven mad than learn from my success...here are the best. The Real names of the persons depicted have been replaced by my favorite conservative MP's from a time when the British Parliament was truly evil.

Edwina Currie: "Excuse me young man but somebody told me you have had success in thwarting those dastardly Squirrels"

Me" "Yes, would you like to learn how to defeat Squirrels?"

Edwina Currie: "Nothing can stop them, they are really smart. I have the smartest Squirrels in the world."

Me: "Well I use this device, it's called the Eliminator and in 12 months I have not had any problems with the Squirrels eating my bird seed, they've given up trying."

Edwina Currie: "That won't work in my yard the Squirrels are very clever. The other day I saw a Squirrel lower another by its back legs so it could reach the feeder."

Michael Heseltine: "I have a problem with squirrels. They are jumping from my house to my bird feeder and they eat all of the seed before the birds get a chance."

Me: " How far is the Squirrel jumping."

Michael Heseltine: "At least 20 feet!"

Douglas Hurd: "The Squirrels have kidnapped my wife and eaten my house."

Sebastian Coe: "I've tried everything and nothing works, my squirrels can fly through the air."

Margaret Thatcher: "Yes I bought that feeder and they figured it out in less than a minute. My Squirrels are the smartest in Tallahassee"

Edwina Currie: "Mine smarter they worked out how to drive my car to Publix for their groceries."

Margaret Thatcher: "Well one of my Squirrels was just offered a place at Harvard."

Edwina Currie: "Huh, mine all have pHD's at Hull University."

Margaret Thatcher: "Where the feck is Hull?"

PVC piping works really well as does aluminum flashing wrapped around a fence post. That was my first successful anti squirrel device and it is still working 4 years later. Why? Because I am smarter than a Squirrel.